Feeling reluctant to talk to your children about money, death, or incompetence is a common occurrence among clients. Many people feel the need to keep their business and their plans to themselves. Such wishes are to be respected. However, since children are the most likely people to deal with the situations afterwards, it may be a good idea to provide some information. We generally counsel clients as follows:

Share Basic Information. Even if you do not want to share your net worth with your children, let them know that you have completed your estate plan and that you are on top of things. Providing a general outline of events leading up to distribution of your estate and afterwards, along with addressing tax issues will provide them a basic description of what to expect and will help to alleviate fears and concerns. Doing this can be as simple as saying: "We have just written our wills and I think you should know that your share comes only after both of us are gone. We considered the tax issues and have tried our best to reduce the taxes as much as possible but our own security is most important."

Provide a Working Outline. Your children do not need to know everything, but they should at least know of the existence of assets or liabilities without the details. Compile a list of your bank accounts, brokerage accounts, retirement accounts and IRA's, annuities, leases or contracts, real property descriptions and insurance policies, together with a summary of long term obligations such as mortgages. The listing should include the account numbers and the name of the broker or agent that you work with. If you have designated a beneficiary or joint owner of the asset, that information should also be included. If you own life insurance policies, you should indicate the location of the original policy. Review and update the outline often. Either give the outline to your children or tell them where it can be found. Make sure that the location is accessible to them. A safe deposit box is not the best place to keep this outline unless you are certain that someone is listed as a co-owner or deputy on the box. If you have a safe deposit box or personal security box, share the location of the box and the key or the combination. It is most distressing to find a safe deposit box key and not know what it fits.

Inventory Your Personal Items. Although the personal property that is to be divided may be small in value, certain personal possessions can have sentimental value and be very important to your family. Talk to them about the hardest assets to divide such as your furniture, jewelry, silver and special family items. Make a list of these items and share it. Try to assign items by making a memorandum directing the disposition of the most important of these items. It goes without saying that there is much emotion following a death. Since one of the first things that happen is the division of personal property, the smoother this goes the better and the rest of the process should be much easier.

Designate Your Helpers. While estate planning involves preparation of assets following your death, it also includes establishing a procedure for managing your affairs in the event of your incapacity. Your executor manages your property after your death, files your final income tax returns, pays your debts and funeral expense, files your estate and inheritance tax returns and distributes your assets to the beneficiaries named in your will in the manner you describe. If you have not signed a valid will, then an administrator is selected by the clerk of court from a statutory list of people who may have an interest in your estate to perform these duties and distribute your property to your intestate heirs.

In the event of your incompetence, your property is managed by an individual appointed by you as attorney-in-fact. If you have not appointed an attorney-in-fact, a guardian is appointed for you by the court. If you execute a power of attorney, it is not necessary to limit the appointment to one person as two or more may serve together and you may name substitutes to serve in the absence of the primary attorney-in-fact. The written power of attorney document provides the extent of the authority given to your attorney-in-fact. The authority may be very broad and sweeping or limited to a specific transaction or account. The power of attorney may also contain conditions or limitations under which it may be used. It is common to find that a power of attorney be effective only after your attending physician and one other physician determine that you are unable to handle your affairs. You may direct that the power of attorney be effective only after you have been declared incompetent, which will require a court proceeding to make that determination. In most all cases your power of attorney should contain specific language that it is a "durable power of attorney" and that it remain in effect after your incapacity. North Carolina and most other states provide that the power of attorney terminates at incapacity unless it specifically provides otherwise. It should also be noted that a person acting as attorney-in-fact in North Carolina is not authorized to make gifts of your property unless that authority is specifically granted in the document. Even though the attorney in fact is given authority to "deal with your property in any manner he or she deems appropriate" that is not sufficient to allow the attorney-in-fact to make gifts of your property since that would be inconsistent with the attorney-in-fact's responsibility to act only for your benefit. Gifting authority should be considered when executing a power of attorney and limitations on the gifting authority should be discussed with your attorney. Often the gifting authority is limited to a specific annual amount and gifts may be made only to a limited class of people such as children and grandchildren.

There is also a statutory provision available in North Carolina that allows you to designate a health care agent by execution of a health care power of attorney. This agent is given the authority to make health care decisions for you if you are unable to make them for yourself. The agent may consent to medical procedures, hire or fire physicians, authorize the disconnection of life support if appropriate and provide for organ donation and the disposition of your remains.

North Carolina also allows you to appoint a health care agent for a minor child in you absence. This is desirable if you will be away from you child for a vacation, or if your child is traveling without you.

Once you have designated you helpers, share the names of these appointments with your family. It is also a very good idea to give your children and other close family members copies of the powers of attorney and let them know what you have done.

Update Documents. Even if you do not want to share the details of your will with your children, they should know that it exists, where it is located, and that it is up to date. If you have executed a living will, which is an expression of your wishes concerning life support and treatment in the event of a terminal illness, it is very important that copies be provided to all family members who would be involved in your care. If you have executed trusts to provide for the disposition of your property, copies or duplicate originals should be provided to each of the named trustees and successor trustees and each should know where to locate the original. Copies of amendments should also be provided as made.

Consider Full Disclosure. The decision of sharing the details of your estate is yours alone and if you decide not to share those details, it should be honored. Be aware though that surprises can cause tension and uncertainty during a time when your family is emotional and needs to feel most secure. Try to avoid those surprises and the possible conflicts. Start with your personal property. Let your family know that you love them, who is going to be in charge, and what you have planned for them. Avoid the tension and the conflicts while you can.